Monday, July 29, 2013

Stay Positive

I tend to lean towards sarcasm in general and the simplest thing will annoy me at the drop of a hat, but I've been trying over the last year or so to see more positive things in my everyday life. I guess it started after I went to group therapy and learned some really great ways to deal with  my depression (I have Dysthymia). I am doing so much better than I ever have since I've been having issues with depression (since early-mid teens or so) and lemme tell ya, it feels good. There are still some days where I can't even get the energy to make myself food and other days I feel like a totally normal human being. Those slivers of time that I feel good/productive/normal I think "ooooh, so this is what this feels like". It's such a foreign concept to me that I deserve to me happy. But you know what, I do, and that's a good thing. 

I'm always on and off struggling with thinking my art is crap and meaningless and is pointless and I need to give up. When I told my friend Chris this recently he said, "Well, I guess the point is that you're good at it and getting people to see your work isn't easy. But if it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it". Simple facts like this are easy to understand on the surface, but hard to remember when I'm sitting in my studio wishing I could make and create and actually do what I love for a living. So I'm just going to kick it up a notch if I really want to do what I love instead of lamenting the bad. I've been sending out emails to places I want to show instead of being afraid my work isn't good enough and not even trying. 

Half my time at my day job is spent thinking about art, things I want to make, mediums I want to experiment with, etc. It's almost painful some days to be there doing something I ended up being good at, but don't love or want to do forever. And I'm scared I will end up at some 9-5 day job regretting not following my gut. I don't know if it's because I just turned 30, but I feel like I need to make some big life decisions soon and get to where I want to be.

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